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Saturday, October 16, 2010

The Heart of the Matter

Mr. Henley has it right and I'm fairly certain that it took him a couple of decades to learn all of the wisdom that is contained in these verses.

"There are people in your life who've come and gone,
They let you down, you know they've hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby, cause life goes on
If you keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you upside,
I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness,
Forgiveness,
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore..."

Not everyone that I know and love is going to understand what I am trying to accomplish with The Truth About Whales. They will take from their own life experience and interpret or perceive their truth in my words. There is a ton of anger in that book because that was primarily the emotion I felt when I was writing -- that and regret. I was plowing my way through twenty plus years of wreckage of the past and explaining to myself why I did the things that I did. Not what they did, what I did. Not how they felt -- how I felt. So the book was selfishly, totally and unapologetically about SueAnn. It felt like taking the ragrug in my soul outside and whacking it so loudly I woke the neighbors. When I was finished, I knew there was something put to rest inside of me and I could live with the consequences of my book.

My father did not hear the amends within the book because, contrary to what I had been told, he hadn't read it. "I choose not to live in the past" was what he said on the phone and, you know, I applaud him that. He is not the same man I knew at five and six years old so much as I am not the same child he knew, I am an adult. What I was trying to tell him so ardently was that I made nearly every single mistake that I knew of -- that he had made -- and I understood. Blame has a very difficult time withstanding self discovery. For all of us, I think that is what age achieves. We finally know what it is to stand in someone else's shoes and go, "Oh, that's why."

Last night a friend emailed me and said, "I didn't like the book on many levels" and my ego immediately went, "But...but...but..." Today I'm waiting to find out exactly what it was she found objectionable (gee, there are SO many things that are downright narcissistic and rude about my book -- which one to pick). A couple of people who have known me for years and years said, "You were too hard on yourself about x, y and z." Well -- I was hard on the majority of the people who played any part of my life - still am. I always have questioned - and judged -- and will question some more, it is who I am as a human being.

What keeps going through my head and my heart is, "It's about forgiveness." Well, hell...that's the sequel, isn't it -- after all.