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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

My Parachute is Lime Green

It happened again. I woke up at 3:13 a.m. and I’m not with my old employer anymore. It must be me! Actually, all deadpan humor aside, I already knew that before I left my job. I just reached the jumping off place where I knew, instinctively, that it was me or them. Either I was going to continue another two years of sleepless nights worried about things that I could not control, or I was going to package up the worry, put the itchy twilling apart twine around it and hand it back to them – pressed and neatly folded. Well, that was the intention anyway. That last day, I handed them back the shirt bunched up in a ball with dog poo in the center and congratulated myself for being civil and giving the socially acceptable two weeks notice. I exhaled when he said, “You can go home today.”

Now I’m worried that I am unemployable. I dipped my toe back into the pool of social work and found an Alzheimer’s patient screaming Ukranian vulgarities at me. It was a universal truth and I recognized the sign as it was stamped on my forehead, “Simply does not have THAT much compassion.” Even when she calmed down, the SueAnnie that hid in the suitcase as a toddler was still waiting the oncoming slap. I have come to accept there are parts of me that remain slightly askew. Okay, very askew.

So here it is… I have a new job. Tra la la. I think what I am finding out is that my ego cannot be defined by what I do professionally. Of course, this is an age old (like from my 20’s) lesson that I keep relearning. The definition of insanity rings in my head like a knock-knock joke. “The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing again and again expecting different results.” It’s not about them – it is very much about me.

Embrace gratitude.

My ass!

Michael Douglas with his horn rimmed glasses is screaming in my head, “I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!” Well, yes, I kind of am. I have VISA to consider, not to mention the rent for the new place. That and I’m kind of in my mid-40’s without a 401k, RSP’s or even the slightest idea of how I will support myself when I am reduced to a non-existent pension.

One thing for certain, my periods of learning are becoming shorter and shorter, kind of like my hair.

I like my new job, I really, really do. The people are nice. The office is heated and there is a window to cool it down. I have a desk. I am employed. Hallelujah, brother, do I hear an “Amen?”